Goat Couture

Modeling the very latest in goat fashion, allow me to present that star of the catwalk ...

Leland!

Wearing a luxurious satin quilted jacket with faux fur collar, Leland is all set for a day grazing on dead tree branches. Notice how the black and white of this smart outfit coordinate perfectly with Leland's natural coloring.

The innovative style of this ensemble has the audience on their feet!

Clearly, another fashion success for the esteemed "designer to the goats", Yves Saint Poulet.

The Beverly's Incident

Last week or so, I posted a "Six Weird Things About Me" meme. Apparently I might have forgotten something. I didn't include it because frankly I see nothing weird in this behaviour whatsoever. It would appear however that some people do.

Last night I went to Beverly's. It's sort of like a Michaels except they also carry fabric. And stuffed animals. Therein lies the problem. I am of the opinion that all stuffed animals should be treated with respect. Not crammed into shelves as if they're nothing more than fabric and stuffing. Not in my world, no way. But that's how they're treated at Beverly's.

So I did what I always do when I come across a situation like this. I put down my purse and began to rearrange the little fellows so they were all sitting upright and could see out. If you can believe it, some were lying FLAT ON THEIR TUMMIES while others were shoved into corners FACING BACKWARDS.

As I was busy rearranging a clerk came up to me.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"Nope," I replied. Couldn't this woman see I was busy?

"Well are you looking for something specific?"

"Nope." Generally I'm not this rude but lives were at stake here.

"What exactly is it that you're looking for, Ma'am?" she continued.

Obviously this woman was clueless and needed to be enlightened.

"I'm rearranging these toys so that they can see out. The way you have them mashed in here is atrocious."

Silence.

And then she started up again.

"Excuse you, but you can't put the pink toys in with the others, that's part of our Valentine's display."

I continued to rearrange. After all, it's bad enough that these poor toys were "seasonal offerings" (a case of obvious discrimination if I've ever heard one) but they had no room to move.

It was then that I was asked to leave the store.

It's a good thing I managed to get Busby out of there, it was clearly no place for a bear.

The Gospel According To April

And it came to pass that the Yarn Gods looked down upon the tiny village of Campbell and saw the goat herder, April, worshipping a false God. And that God was Acrylic. And they were angry.

"April!" they cried. "Why have you turned from silk and wool and begun worshipping the man made idols of Nylon and Microfibre?"

"I'm bored," replied April.

So the Yarn Gods set upon the land the Plague Of Dropped Stitches. And April cursed the Yarn Gods but would not lay aside the scratchy string. Down upon the couch came the Plague Of Too Many Yarn Overs. Yet April knit on.

Then the Yarn Gods sent down the angel, Alpaca, in the form of a UFO. And the angel Alpaca reminded April of her goal to have twelve finished FO's in 2006. Brandishing the US 11's Alpaca showed the lowly peasant how close she was to a completed scarf. And it was good.

In The First Hour

I am attempting to sleep through Christmas. It's going pretty well so far, I'm averaging 10 to 11 hours of shut eye per night. Of course this plan does sort of mess with the "breakfast schedule." But I've never been one to eat on a regular schedule so getting up at 11:50 in the morning and deciding to make scones for breakfast isn't that unusual.

And sitting in the cupboard was a package of Sticky Fingers Bakery "Wild Raspberry Scone Mix" - JUST ADD WATER! I mean, how easy could that be? I carefully measured out the water. After all when you're only required to add one ingredient you can take the time to be meticulous. I added it to the mix and whoa, this is pretty runny scone dough. I've made scones from scratch before and usually it's kinda lumpy. OK, maybe it'll "thicken" upon stirring.

It didn't.

In my blurry eyed confusion I added an extra 1 cup of water to the required 3/4 cup of water. It's OK though, because Cosentino's is right across the street! I'll go buy another package! Sure the store's gonna be a bit crowded but I only need one item!

You know, you hear about people slipping on banana peels but really - have you ever seen someone actually do it?

There I was, between Olives Of The World and the cheese display when my foot found perhaps the only discarded banana peel in all of Cosentino's. And wasn't that fantastic timing on my part to have that happen on the busiest grocery shopping day of the year! Why wait until the store is nearly empty to perform banana acrobatics?!?

However, I'd like everyone to know that I feel I went down rather gracefully. It wasn't a SLIP OH MY GOD FALL. No, I performed the sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide with one leg, land on the knee of the other leg maneouvre. And a big thank you to the elderly lady who shouted out, "Oh! You don't want to do that!" as I was mid-fall.

So I hobbled home - after all, there were scones to be made. I carefully measured out the water and stirred gently with a fork. I got out my new never been used cookie sheet and gently dropped rounded teaspoons of dough on it's shiny surface. I put the cookie sheet in the oven and closed the door ... closed the door ... closed the door ...

The. bloody. cookie. sheet. is. too. big.


But they were worth it.

Yarn Behaving Badly

In which the author provides further evidence that she is losing her grip on reality ...

Dear Yarn,

You are nothing if not sly. Oh yes, I will admit that when you first suggested yourself for the Forest Canopy Shawl I was hesitant. After all, the word "Forest" implies green and you were ... purple. A quite lovely variegated purple, but purple nevertheless. But you convinced me with your silky wool ways that you were the Forest Canopy Shawl's destiny. And I believed you. I broke with my long standing tradition of knitting in colors appropriate to a pattern's name and cast thou on.

Why then, you offspring of a sheep and a worm, do you persist in thwarting me? Is it because of the Brittany Birches I am being forced to knit you on? I agree, these are not the nicest lace knitting needles but I spent my last dime on a MIA doll and will have no more money until Thursday. Is it the constant presence of Andy, who seems reluctant to acknowledge your divine and sole right to my lap? Is this why you've been wrapping yourself around my legs every time I get off the couch to get a cup of tea?

And pray tell, what is the point of dropping and adding stitches randomly on every single frickin' row? Are you some kind of BDSM yarn that enjoys the pain of being ripped out repeatedly? Or could it be that you are just so arrogant that you think you're the only skein in the stash? Think again, moth magnet. Cast your plied eyes on this ...

Yarn Pirate's "String Theory." From the always overly generous, Valerie. Look a little closer won't you? That's purple AND green. Together. In one yarn. Wouldn't you agree, 'O Yarn Of Disgrace, that this would also make a lovely Forest Canopy Shawl? Huh? Worried? You should be.

Which leads me to this. You and I, we need some time apart. Perhaps I will again find the love I once had for you. The joy in your sheen that warmed my heart. The softness that made my fingers sing.

Enjoy your stay at the bottom of my knitting bag. And do say hello to the stitch markers for me. You've been replaced.

Where's Amanda?

Here at Chez Insanity, we are not amused. The Christmas spirit is lacking. There is no ho in our ho ho ho. I had not expected this Christmas to be full of grins and giggles given that Mom passed away just three short months ago and Christmas was her favorite holiday. But a lot of people have it much worse than I so please, April, suck it up. However, the question still remains -

WHERE THE FUCK IS MY AMANDA DOLL?

I promised Savannah, my little 4 year old best friend an Amanda doll for Christmas. She's been wanting one for months but Amanda dolls, they're not so cheap. But hey, the number of people I *must* buy gifts for this year is ZERO. Shocking but true. I seem to have hermit-ed myself out of the Christmas gift giving tradition. I digress.

So ol' April orders an Amanda doll from WalMart.com. WalMart's carrier of choice is Fedex. The Fedex tracking system alerts me to the fact that Amanda will arrive between Thursday, 12/21 and Friday, 12/22.

I leave work at 1pm yesterday and come straight home to await the arrival of Amanda. And I wait. And then I wait a bit more. Then some more after that. At 7pm I check the computer and 'lo and behold, Fedex attempted to deliver Amanda at 4:46. Not only that, but they tried to deliver her on Wednesday as well. "Customer not home."

At this point let us note that my street has a North and a South designation. I am at the South end. It occurs to me that perhaps Mr. Fedex has been trying to deliver Amanda to the North end.

Bright and early this morning I am on the phone with Fedex. Today, a mere 72 hours before Christmas, the Fedex Representative tells me their tracking system is down. I explain the situation and how there will be one very sad 4 year old girl if Fedex doesn't come through for me. She assures me she'll get a message to the driver and straighten things out.

I wait. I wait some more. Little more waitin' going on. And some more after that.

At 3pm I check the computer. Mr. Fedex has tried to deliver Amanda TWICE today. "Customer not home." I get in my car and head North down my extremely long street to see if my street address exists at the other end and perhaps there's a call tag I can snag.

It doesn't exist.

Could someone please tell me where Mr. Fedex has been trying to deliver Amanda to?

This space reserved for a picture of Amanda. If she ever shows up.

Six Weird Things Meme

I'm not generally a big fan of the "Meme." I'm simply not that interesting. But of course when it comes to weird I like to think I might be a bit off. Sheepie started this over at her blog and I'm following her lead. Because ... well ... we're sheep. I can't remember all the rules but I think I have to list six weird things about me and then tag six people. I'm just going to tag one person because I suspect she's weirder than she lets on. That's at the end of the post.

1) I have a MAD crush on Dr. Phil.

I love you too, April!

2) I don't eat lunch unless I'm so hungry I'm nauseous. I think it's a waste of time.

3. When I make a cup of tea, the teabag has to steep for a minimum of 10 minutes. I set a timer.

4. I apologize to inanimate objects if I bang into them.

5) I love spiders. LOVE them.

6) I only get out of bed if the digital clock ends in a zero or a five.

Well maybe those aren't that weird after all. Not like Sheepie's whole zombie thing ...

And I'm tagging Valerie. I just *know* there's a whole lotta weirdness goin' on there.

Better Living Through Pharmaceuticals

Blah, blah, blah, sinus infection, take lots of medicine. The sinus infection seems to be gone now but I still have a bit of a cold. Of course, I'd probably be completely better by now if I wasn't doing stupid things like exercising a horse at 8pm dressed in only a t-shirt and jeans in December. Or hanging out at the ranch for three hours yesterday so Leland and Stanton could get their hooves trimmed. But obviously I'm not on death's doorstep because we have ... new yarn in the house!

Actually I'm not even sure we can do this stuff the honor of calling it "yarn." It's 50% acrylic microfiber (*love* those microfiber sheep - so tiny!) and 50% nylon. It's for this ...

My boss at the House Of Torture just had his first grandchild. He is beyond thrilled. Each morning the department receives an e-mail where the subject is "Important - Required Reading." Of course the first time I got one of these I thought, "Oh crap, lay-offs." Imagine my surprise upon opening that first e-mail to see a new picture of his granddaughter. She's very adorable. And would probably like a pink "Matinee Cardigan" to wear. But it won't be made from Debbie Bliss' Baby Cashmerino, which was my first choice. A little pricey for a baby I'll probably never meet.

Hey, it's almost Christmas! Time to start the ol' Christmas knitting! Actually, as a rule I don't participate in the madness that is knitting for the season. But one of the trainers at the ranch surprised the beejeebus out of me by giving me a gift. So I'm knitting her a scarf from this lovely skein of Misti Alpaca Chunky. On size 11's. It'll go zOOooOOoom.

Another lace on a lamp picture! Back from Blocker Extraordinaire, Julie, is Fiber Trends "Streaming Leaves." I suppose it would have helped if I'd taken some close-up shots so you could see the magnificent work Julie did in blocking this but I'm sick and I don't want to.

The Sky Is Falling

I have no pictures today. If you've come looking for pictures, carry on. I'm well aware of the huge following my artistic photographs have but uh ... sorry. No pictures. None. Sorry.

The monkey pox rages on. What I thought was a sinus infection turned into a cold. This was wonderful because hey, no need to go see the doctor for a cold! The cold is gone and the sinus thing is back, but now it's on the left side of my face, instead of the right. You have absolutely no IDEA how stunningly beautiful I am at this moment. My left eyeball is protruding in a very Mr. Toad-like way and watering fiercely. I can no longer breathe through my nose so I'm wandering the halls of the House Of Torture looking like some mouth breathin' banjo picker from Arkansas (apologies to anyone from the great state of AR). And the piece de resistance ... the skin under my little nose is so dry from repeated blowing that it looks as if my nose has dandruff.

Let me assure you, the lineup of men wanting to date me is mind boggling.

And just to keep matters interesting, a KEY person from my department is MIA and has been all week. This has resulted in much waving of the hands and blustering from people who get paid significantly more than I do. I don't think we need to go into detail as to who's desk all that extra work has ended up on, do we?

Around here, the name of the game is insanity and everyone's signed up to play.

Sickly Sunday

I have a cold. This happens about once every four years. It makes me very cranky. Of course it has nothing to do with the fact that I refuse to wear a coat and walk around in t-shirts all year. After all, I'm Canadian. I'm not some wimpy Californian who's teeth chatter once the thermometer dips below 60 degrees. I'm still running the A/C in my car, for heaven's sake. That's not blood in my veins, it's a combination of beer and maple syrup.

However, this weekend my staunch Canadian fortitude dropped the ball. I am sniffling. I am snorting. I woke up at 2:30am because MY NOSE WAS DRIPPING ON MY HAND. I've lost my appetite. Can death be far behind? Hey! Who just whispered, "I wonder who gets her stash?"

Needless to say I've been pretty much couch bound all weekend. Which makes me cranky too. It's the weekend. I. have. things. to. do. But my body refused to comply.

So I knit. What else was there?

The Koigu Odd Ball Sock is progressing nicely. I was a bit worried that there was too much contrast between the variegated yarn and the solid but now that I'm on my way down the foot I think it works. I *think* I'm going to have enough yarn to do sock #2. Which would be great because then I can make a second pair from this.

Maybe I'll do the cuff, heel and toe in the solid and the rest in the variegated. Oh I know, I'm too innovative for words. Argosy is also coming along. I don't know about the Noro Silk Garden Lite I'm using though. I mean, I love the colors but what's with this uneven yarn thickness thing? Is that part of it's charm? I dunno, yarn that goes from a chunky thickness to a fingering weight thickness kinda makes me wonder if they've got monkeys spinning this stuff.

Clover says, "Do these horizontal bars make me look fat?"

Goin' Sideways

Good God.

She's knitting -another- scarf.

But at least this one is going sideways. Sorta.

Ask me how much I love this pattern. Go ahead, ask me. I LOVE IT. This is from the new Winter 2006 Knitty. It's called Argosy and it's fun fun fun to knit. You should knit one too so you can have some fun. At the very least, check out the pattern so you can see the far superior pictures of this little gem.

I know, you all think I'm turning this blog into the Internet's #1 resource for scarf patterns but there was a SIGN. I had the exact yarn the pattern called for in my stash! And you know how I feel about signs. One must always obey the signs. Stop. Go. Knit. This is Noro's Silk Garden Lite in color 2014. Yes, I actually still have the ball band. Another sign.

Once a hat, now a sock. I originally bought this yarn to crochet a hat. It's Koigu, for those of you who care. I mis-read the pattern. I thought the pattern said one ball each color. Nay. It said TWO balls of each color. That's four balls of Koigu FOR A HAT. That's a mighty expensive hat. Especially for someone who likes to crochet hats but never wears them. So in lieu of a hat, I'm hoping to get TWO very short socks out of two balls. It might work, it might not. I know, I can barely stand the suspense myself.

A Day In The Life Of Leland

Must ... get .... longer ... tongue ...

Dude, this leaf ROCKS.

Get off my bench, jerk face!

Hey, Stan, can I have some of your leaf? Huh? Can I? Just a little bite? C'mon, Stan. Gimme some leaf.

Leland is insane. Why couldn't I have been an only goat?

Yarnage

Because you never can have enough Cabin Cove Mercantile yarn ...

Laceweight, 850+ yards, 100% Merino wool. And it's not really orange, it's strawberry. I've decided I'm only going to buy yarn in colors that photograph well from this day forward. Either that or start taking pictures in natural light. I really am the world's worst photographer. A fact I'm reminded of whenever I cruise over to Dave's blog. Anyway, I have no idea what I'll make with this but who buys yarn with a plan?

There's a new yarn store in town! Hooray! Purlescence Yarn has opened in downtown Sunnyvale and it's lovely. I went there yesterday to check things out and found this.

I do love baby alpaca. This is Alpaca With A Twist's "Baby Twist." 100% baby alpaca, 50 gram balls with 110 yards per ball, DK weight sorta. And the best part? Only $6.85 a ball. Can someone tell me why alpaca is so inexpensive? Once again I've failed to capture the beauty of this yarn, think dark hunter green. With just a bit of a sheen. Hey, that rhymes! OK, it's early, hush. I actually bought four balls and figured I'd make this ...

This is Knitspot's "Opens and Folds Scarf." I adore cabled scarves, really I do. But a little monotonous to knit sometimes. Enter this lovely pattern that combines LACE and CABLES. Now that's inspired pattern design if you ask me. So I did a few rows using the Baby Alpaca on US 6's and it was a little tight. Went up to US 8's and it was too loose. Also, and this should be obvious to everyone but me, the yarn was just too damn dark for any of the pattern to really stand out. Like hello, duh, April.

So I rooted around in the ol' stash (proving once again why it's important to have more yarn than you'll ever be able to knit) and found two balls of Rowan's "Felted Tweed" which is working out quite nicely. Pictures when I get a bit further into it. Crappy pictures, but pictures nevertheless. Enjoy your Sunday.