My New Year's Resolution - Learn Spanish
Welcome to the latest installment of "April's Comedy Of Errors" starring April, her Hispanic neighbor and her Nissan Altima.
This afternoon I decided to venture out into the world to run a few errands, hit the mall, and possibly score some chocolate. As I approached my little car, I noticed it was tilting rather severely to one side. Yes loyal readers, flat tire #4 for this year had arrived.
As I was standing there surveying the scene and weighing my options (none) my neigbour walked up to get into his car. I'm not sure what his name is so let's call him Bill.
"Ooooh," said Bill.
"Oooh," said April.
"Dondez taco quero blahez blahez," asked Bill. At least that's what it sounded like he said.
"No hablo Espanol," I replied.
"Ooooh," said Bill.
"Oooh," said April.
Bill pointed to my trunk and said, "Bueno trunko dondez vero?" Or something like that. Hmm, I thought, maybe he's going to put my spare on for me. I pulled out the little clown tire and showed it to him.
"Si, si!" exclaimed Bill.
Then Bill leaned down on the clown tire which quickly turned into a clown pancake.
"Ooooh," said Bill.
"Shit," said April.
Bill promptly picked up the original flat tire and threw it into the back of his little Saturn.
"Arrivez burrito andale auto," announced Bill, pointing at me and then at his car.
Hmm, I thought, maybe Bill wants to take me and my tire for a ride. Indeed! Off we went to the car repair shop around the corner. Where it was determined that the tire was unfixable because a FREAKIN' 3 INCH NAIL WAS JAMMED INTO THE SIDEWALL.
Madre dios.
The mechanic suggested that Bill and I drive to Kragen's Auto Parts to purchase a tube for the tire, bring it back and they would stick it in my tire as a temporary fix. Off we went! Did I mention that Bill had no idea where Kragen's was? So there we were, Bill and I, careening down Bascom Avenue in San Jose on almost New Year's Eve with me screaming, "Turnez! Stopez!" while frantically waving my hands in the air.
A clerk finds me the tube I need and as I'm walking to the cash register, my wallet falls out of my purse and $3,568,932 in change spills out over the floor.
"Oooh," says Bill as he drops to his hands and knees to retrieve my coins.
"Fuck," says April.
The tube is paid for, Bill and I go back to his little Saturn only to be followed 30 seconds later by the clerk carrying my purse.
"Haha," laughs Bill.
"God help me," says April.
Back to the repair shop where we find out that the clerk has sold me the wrong tube. And of course it was the last one on the shelf.
"Perhaps you should go to Wheel Works and just buy a new one," suggests the mechanic.
"Do you speak Spanish?" I ask the mechanic. He nods.
"Could you tell my friend what we need to do next?"
"Can't you tell him?" asks the mechanic.
"No hablo Espanol," I answer.
"Oooh," says the mechanic.
Bill gets filled in on the next leg of our adventure and off we go again.
Bill. Not so good with the directions. We get to the stop light and he turns on his left turn signal.
"Straightez," I tell him.
"Straightez?" asks Bill. "Freeway?"
"NO! No freeway!"
"Turnez," smiles Bill.
The next ten minutes were spent navigating a subdivision filled with "No Access" and "No Through Road Signs."
We finally get to Wheel Works where I am offered the opportunity to fork over $89.00 for a new tire. Bill looks at me. I look at Bill.
"89 dinero," I tell him.
"Oooh," says Bill.
The tire is mounted and Bill carries it proudly back to his car. We return home and Bill finishes what he started 2 1/2 hours ago.
I give him $30.00, two bottles of wine and attempt to tell him to come see me Friday when I'll give him more dinero.
Feliz Ano Nuevo.
This afternoon I decided to venture out into the world to run a few errands, hit the mall, and possibly score some chocolate. As I approached my little car, I noticed it was tilting rather severely to one side. Yes loyal readers, flat tire #4 for this year had arrived.
As I was standing there surveying the scene and weighing my options (none) my neigbour walked up to get into his car. I'm not sure what his name is so let's call him Bill.
"Ooooh," said Bill.
"Oooh," said April.
"Dondez taco quero blahez blahez," asked Bill. At least that's what it sounded like he said.
"No hablo Espanol," I replied.
"Ooooh," said Bill.
"Oooh," said April.
Bill pointed to my trunk and said, "Bueno trunko dondez vero?" Or something like that. Hmm, I thought, maybe he's going to put my spare on for me. I pulled out the little clown tire and showed it to him.
"Si, si!" exclaimed Bill.
Then Bill leaned down on the clown tire which quickly turned into a clown pancake.
"Ooooh," said Bill.
"Shit," said April.
Bill promptly picked up the original flat tire and threw it into the back of his little Saturn.
"Arrivez burrito andale auto," announced Bill, pointing at me and then at his car.
Hmm, I thought, maybe Bill wants to take me and my tire for a ride. Indeed! Off we went to the car repair shop around the corner. Where it was determined that the tire was unfixable because a FREAKIN' 3 INCH NAIL WAS JAMMED INTO THE SIDEWALL.
Madre dios.
The mechanic suggested that Bill and I drive to Kragen's Auto Parts to purchase a tube for the tire, bring it back and they would stick it in my tire as a temporary fix. Off we went! Did I mention that Bill had no idea where Kragen's was? So there we were, Bill and I, careening down Bascom Avenue in San Jose on almost New Year's Eve with me screaming, "Turnez! Stopez!" while frantically waving my hands in the air.
A clerk finds me the tube I need and as I'm walking to the cash register, my wallet falls out of my purse and $3,568,932 in change spills out over the floor.
"Oooh," says Bill as he drops to his hands and knees to retrieve my coins.
"Fuck," says April.
The tube is paid for, Bill and I go back to his little Saturn only to be followed 30 seconds later by the clerk carrying my purse.
"Haha," laughs Bill.
"God help me," says April.
Back to the repair shop where we find out that the clerk has sold me the wrong tube. And of course it was the last one on the shelf.
"Perhaps you should go to Wheel Works and just buy a new one," suggests the mechanic.
"Do you speak Spanish?" I ask the mechanic. He nods.
"Could you tell my friend what we need to do next?"
"Can't you tell him?" asks the mechanic.
"No hablo Espanol," I answer.
"Oooh," says the mechanic.
Bill gets filled in on the next leg of our adventure and off we go again.
Bill. Not so good with the directions. We get to the stop light and he turns on his left turn signal.
"Straightez," I tell him.
"Straightez?" asks Bill. "Freeway?"
"NO! No freeway!"
"Turnez," smiles Bill.
The next ten minutes were spent navigating a subdivision filled with "No Access" and "No Through Road Signs."
We finally get to Wheel Works where I am offered the opportunity to fork over $89.00 for a new tire. Bill looks at me. I look at Bill.
"89 dinero," I tell him.
"Oooh," says Bill.
The tire is mounted and Bill carries it proudly back to his car. We return home and Bill finishes what he started 2 1/2 hours ago.
I give him $30.00, two bottles of wine and attempt to tell him to come see me Friday when I'll give him more dinero.
Feliz Ano Nuevo.
posted by April @ 5:29 PM
7 Comments:
At 6:10 AM,
LizzieK8 said…
HPN! What a story! Thank Goodness there are "strangers" like "Bill"!
At 7:36 AM,
sheep#100 said…
We note that April was teaching "Bill" a certain amount of scatological English there, too.
Feliz (Flipping) Ano Nuevo, indeed.
At 9:04 AM,
aija said…
So rad.
I don't speak Spanish either, but as a teenager whose car died when she turned it off stopped at a railroad crossing (with a car full of glittery ravers...) and who was bump-rescued and battery-jumped by her own espanol speaking Billito-- I totally dug your story.
Happy new year!
At 10:06 AM,
Sheepish Annie said…
Crap. I'm learning the very useful Scottish Gaelic. What the heck am I going to do if I get a flat tire????
Maybe I'll just say, "Ooooooh." That should suffice...
Most entertaining, though! My vehicular woes never seem to be quite so chuckle-worthy.
At 1:19 PM,
RC said…
Holy Crap I fell off my chair laughing! You tell an excellent story. Mine never seem to work out that way.
At 11:47 PM,
Monkee Maker said…
Hmmm, it seems to me that you don't actually need to learn spanish as you obviously coped so admirably simply by shouting and waving your arms around.
Maybe you could spend the money you'd save on an Advanced Car Maintenance course .... or failing that, a larger purse for lugging round all that change.
:)
At 5:20 PM,
Heide said…
Was Bill cute? Was Bill single? Can Bill help you learn Spanish? Okay, so that was completely immature and wrong of me to say. Thank heavens Bill was so gracious and helpful.
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